So fed up the other day. More then a hormonal problem. I sat down and surveyed what my life has come to. I let the anxiety and pain kill me for threes years. I cried the pain out and cleaned up and got rid of some old things. Holding onto a memory while holding my breath has broken me. I am not talking about the memory of my mother but the memory of a panic attack and it has caused me anxiety and alienation everyday. Not from others but from myself. I have created my own pain out of being afraid of not feeling the panic anymore. But what I am starting to realize is that I may need to feel the panic to break down the wall of hesitation. I have missed out on a lot; including my brother's wedding, my mother's funeral, and the birth of a niece and nephew. Important things I have decided to miss out on because I was afraid of having a panic attack. I am learning that I need to accept the panic and ride it out instead of just running away from it. I know its not gonna kill me. I can't even go to the grocery store because I have made myself soo afraid and now I am just fucking fed up. So now what? Am I strong enough to finally overcome this and become the person I was? The person I enjoyed. The person that could go anywhere and do anything without even having the thoughts of anxiety. I am kinda growing slowly to accepting the panic. I am starting to ride my bike and not thinking about if I go too far I will have a panic attack. My bike was always my solace and safe place but I let the anxiety control me. Not anymore!
I am on my own time now and I want to take the anxiety and have a fist fight and shake hands after. I am tired of this. I don't remember the last time I sat in Rittenhouse park or went to Liberty Place or to any store at that. Things I really enjoyed I stopped out of fear. The biggest thing of all; I loved riding around and shooting at night. I now sit in my house doing nothing when I am not working or hanging out and its depressing. I have had ENOUGH of this.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
8/13/11 best day ever.
It's funny how people intersect in each others lives. It could be for a mere second that you meet and pass. It could all start from a stare and continue on from there. Such an interesting intertwining when I met him yesterday. It was like a vacation from who I was even if it was for a few hours. It was nice. Sitting in an alley barrened with rats, people, people stuck in the 90's, the disco tech looking time leaving his apartment. It may seem like it was a dream. One more minute with him and one more. Any excuse to stay awake to hear one more word and see the smile for more then two seconds longer. It was an attraction but not just to looks. So cute but when seeing through the beauty there is an awesome person sitting behind those eyes. It was nice to meet and maybe paths will cross again.
I am pretty sure yesterday I finally realized the light that shines through me. The light that I have been told about for years. I am finally seeing it through the fog. Now is the time to appreciate and not segregate who I am and how I make someone smile, laugh, cry. How my stare and penetrate someones wall and heart. I see the glow that attracts people to me, not the superficial beauty thing but the thing I illuminate that connects people to me. Where the line is drawn and walked over no matter how shy or nervous I am or that person maybe. I guess it all comes down to is regaining my confidence. That I am invincible in things I am trying to do and the only person who has put me down is myself and it is me that has picked myself up. I guess that's what I have been trying to regain over the past three years. I guess I had to take the wool off and actually look around with a naked eye and it feels alright.
I am pretty sure yesterday I finally realized the light that shines through me. The light that I have been told about for years. I am finally seeing it through the fog. Now is the time to appreciate and not segregate who I am and how I make someone smile, laugh, cry. How my stare and penetrate someones wall and heart. I see the glow that attracts people to me, not the superficial beauty thing but the thing I illuminate that connects people to me. Where the line is drawn and walked over no matter how shy or nervous I am or that person maybe. I guess it all comes down to is regaining my confidence. That I am invincible in things I am trying to do and the only person who has put me down is myself and it is me that has picked myself up. I guess that's what I have been trying to regain over the past three years. I guess I had to take the wool off and actually look around with a naked eye and it feels alright.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
shrugged
Falling hard and fast. Never trusted before. So why did I now? Thrown against the wolves so many times but how to come back from this one. Trying to stand on your own can get so lonely and who to let in? How do you walk the trail when you don't even know who your friends are anymore? The road isn't so yellow these days. This isn't a dream like the Wizard of Oz. Although it would be nice to pretend I was Dorothy and I would just awaken from this pain stricken dream. Blistered inside and out.
I found some old photos the other day. I don't even remember who the girl is in them. I wish I did. Those times weren't so bad. They were actually a lot of fun. There were a few cracks in the walls but we all mended ourselves. Skip to now. I don't know who's who anymore. Allegiances were broken and they will not be mended. Especially on my end. When you are staring face first into a loaded cannon; would you move or just stand there and wait for the fire?
I think for the past few years I have been waiting for the cannon to fire. Trying to pick up the pieces of what were. The road has been hard. Many have come and gone but true friends are amazing. Its ashame they are no longer in the same state as me. Things wouldn't feel so gray as they do now if I had my girls with me. But I guess this is how life is. People come and go out of your life. We grow and have families and get serious and lose who we are to forge into something greater. The fire in my eyes has extinguished. I wish I knew how to ignite it. I think I get close some days. i need to learn to let things go. Let myself go how I did in years past. This is my one life and I feel like the past years I haven't been living it. Shattered from a death that sucked my soul out of me. I know she wouldn't want me to be like this. Sometimes I really miss her. This is one of those times. I let myself die with her. And everyone around me has suffered.
Maybe I have messed things up with everyone on the voyage of losing myself with the pain. How do I redeem things from here. I wish I could ask someone but there is no to ask. I sit alone a lot. By myself wanting to shattering the glasshouse I put myself in. I don't let anyone close enough to be hurt. Maybe a few people I would cal friends that I won't call friends anymore. I wish there was someone to listen to me scream and advise me to tell me it will be okay. I know it will but its a rocky road to redemption. Redemption of myself. I owe myself so much. I owe myself about three years of my life. I let so many walk all over me and I took it with stride until I burst one day.
I guess I will figure it out. I have always been the loner. Never really travel with friends. Maybe one or two. I meet people out and i leave without anyone knowing. That's how I have always been. Whether drunk or sober. I want my life back so how do I so I seal up the hole in my heart that she left there? Everything seems so out of reach. I suffer in silence. I never thought I would see this moment where I am lost and alone. I guess its time to wave hello to it and pick myself up from here....
I found some old photos the other day. I don't even remember who the girl is in them. I wish I did. Those times weren't so bad. They were actually a lot of fun. There were a few cracks in the walls but we all mended ourselves. Skip to now. I don't know who's who anymore. Allegiances were broken and they will not be mended. Especially on my end. When you are staring face first into a loaded cannon; would you move or just stand there and wait for the fire?
I think for the past few years I have been waiting for the cannon to fire. Trying to pick up the pieces of what were. The road has been hard. Many have come and gone but true friends are amazing. Its ashame they are no longer in the same state as me. Things wouldn't feel so gray as they do now if I had my girls with me. But I guess this is how life is. People come and go out of your life. We grow and have families and get serious and lose who we are to forge into something greater. The fire in my eyes has extinguished. I wish I knew how to ignite it. I think I get close some days. i need to learn to let things go. Let myself go how I did in years past. This is my one life and I feel like the past years I haven't been living it. Shattered from a death that sucked my soul out of me. I know she wouldn't want me to be like this. Sometimes I really miss her. This is one of those times. I let myself die with her. And everyone around me has suffered.
Maybe I have messed things up with everyone on the voyage of losing myself with the pain. How do I redeem things from here. I wish I could ask someone but there is no to ask. I sit alone a lot. By myself wanting to shattering the glasshouse I put myself in. I don't let anyone close enough to be hurt. Maybe a few people I would cal friends that I won't call friends anymore. I wish there was someone to listen to me scream and advise me to tell me it will be okay. I know it will but its a rocky road to redemption. Redemption of myself. I owe myself so much. I owe myself about three years of my life. I let so many walk all over me and I took it with stride until I burst one day.
I guess I will figure it out. I have always been the loner. Never really travel with friends. Maybe one or two. I meet people out and i leave without anyone knowing. That's how I have always been. Whether drunk or sober. I want my life back so how do I so I seal up the hole in my heart that she left there? Everything seems so out of reach. I suffer in silence. I never thought I would see this moment where I am lost and alone. I guess its time to wave hello to it and pick myself up from here....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Completion.
Today I lived the life of her, him, and you. Trying to fit into anothers foot prints is bewildering. Something about the way they think and look. Something about the way they maintain their composure is devastating. Most are taught to be the way of the world, to fit into a mold of the everyday 9 to 5, gym, kids, nanny, drinks, money, etc. They call it stable; I call it a nightmare.
I remember growing up and wanting to be a lawyer and a doctor when I grew up. The older I got the more it changed. But for most of my life my thoughts were the same. I thought at some point it would be cool to be a mortician but I think this was because of all the horror movies I watched with my family and friends. I am getting off my topic. At what point makes us break the mold? I was never told to be a certain way. My parents didn't pierce my ears at birth. I pierced my nose when I was 12. I pierced my ears at 15. Already you can tell I wasn't gonna be the average person.
Can you remember the first band you listened to that dramatically changed your life? I do. It was a toss up between Fugazi, Minor Threat, and the Descendents. I couldn't go back from there. I needed to know what made them write the songs they wrote, dressed the way they did, and why they had the thought process that they did. I didn't really know what normal was growing up but I know I didn't fit into that mold. I knew when I was 10, then thought about it at 15, and so on. I don't know where I fit these days but I am pretty happy with what I have conquered and what I am about to conquer. I am glad I don't see life the way as the average Joe does. I guess what I am saying I am proud of being me. As corny as that sounds. haha.
When we are sitting under the same moon do you think about what it would be like to live the life of someone else? Do you daydream to get yourself out of the pain that occurs in your life or do you take it head on? I try to live it head on. Yeah I took the wrong path here and there. But now I am strong enough to hold my head up high and if you are gonna beat me with a bat, throw stones at me, I will take it and throw them back.
Metabolize the pill you swallowed. I will no longer hold my breath on the other end of the phone, the conversation, the pain of your life. You play your game but I will not be your pawn anymore. It was a cold, hard pill to swallow but I get it now. Holding my breath on you is like waiting for rain in a draught. So you can hold you breath and think about what was and what could of been. I let my demons go and maybe you should too.
I remember growing up and wanting to be a lawyer and a doctor when I grew up. The older I got the more it changed. But for most of my life my thoughts were the same. I thought at some point it would be cool to be a mortician but I think this was because of all the horror movies I watched with my family and friends. I am getting off my topic. At what point makes us break the mold? I was never told to be a certain way. My parents didn't pierce my ears at birth. I pierced my nose when I was 12. I pierced my ears at 15. Already you can tell I wasn't gonna be the average person.
Can you remember the first band you listened to that dramatically changed your life? I do. It was a toss up between Fugazi, Minor Threat, and the Descendents. I couldn't go back from there. I needed to know what made them write the songs they wrote, dressed the way they did, and why they had the thought process that they did. I didn't really know what normal was growing up but I know I didn't fit into that mold. I knew when I was 10, then thought about it at 15, and so on. I don't know where I fit these days but I am pretty happy with what I have conquered and what I am about to conquer. I am glad I don't see life the way as the average Joe does. I guess what I am saying I am proud of being me. As corny as that sounds. haha.
When we are sitting under the same moon do you think about what it would be like to live the life of someone else? Do you daydream to get yourself out of the pain that occurs in your life or do you take it head on? I try to live it head on. Yeah I took the wrong path here and there. But now I am strong enough to hold my head up high and if you are gonna beat me with a bat, throw stones at me, I will take it and throw them back.
Metabolize the pill you swallowed. I will no longer hold my breath on the other end of the phone, the conversation, the pain of your life. You play your game but I will not be your pawn anymore. It was a cold, hard pill to swallow but I get it now. Holding my breath on you is like waiting for rain in a draught. So you can hold you breath and think about what was and what could of been. I let my demons go and maybe you should too.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Obession.
Things to hide and nothing to offer. These scars tell no lies.. There's a story behind each but no trust to relinquish them. Scared of everything and nothing. Get close and she runs. A whirlwind of feelings and don't know how to take in each one. A hopeless romantic in a sense and a hard shell to crack to find that person. Three years left alone to grow and fell better. Finding that loneliness is somewhat of a friend and a foe. Growing comfortable with life and uneasy at the same time. Five steps forward and 3 steps back. A tug of war and I am my worst enemy. Strength in reason. I am the strongest they say they know but when the shell is cracked what is left? Maybe too afraid to see what lays below sea level.
Push. Push. Hush....
Spin cycle. Stop button. Wish for a second I would not push the stop button. So relaxed and free spirited but still trying to break down the wall of hesitation. Heart on sleeve. Cover blown. Coward down. Obsession. The pain is needed to write. Such a drug. I am the addict. Realizing I am causing my own pain and seeing something in someone that isn't there. Who's the new flavor of the week? How can I make myself like you only to make myself upset with you. Can't hold the hand of another till she releases the drug from her brain.
Push. Push. Hush....
Spin cycle. Stop button. Wish for a second I would not push the stop button. So relaxed and free spirited but still trying to break down the wall of hesitation. Heart on sleeve. Cover blown. Coward down. Obsession. The pain is needed to write. Such a drug. I am the addict. Realizing I am causing my own pain and seeing something in someone that isn't there. Who's the new flavor of the week? How can I make myself like you only to make myself upset with you. Can't hold the hand of another till she releases the drug from her brain.
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