shrugged

Falling hard and fast. Never trusted before. So why did I now? Thrown against the wolves so many times but how to come back from this one. Trying to stand on your own can get so lonely and who to let in? How do you walk the trail when you don't even know who your friends are anymore? The road isn't so yellow these days. This isn't a dream like the Wizard of Oz. Although it would be nice to pretend I was Dorothy and I would just awaken from this pain stricken dream. Blistered inside and out.

I found some old photos the other day. I don't even remember who the girl is in them. I wish I did. Those times weren't so bad. They were actually a lot of fun. There were a few cracks in the walls but we all mended ourselves. Skip to now. I don't know who's who anymore. Allegiances were broken and they will not be mended. Especially on my end. When you are staring face first into a loaded cannon; would you move or just stand there and wait for the fire?

I think for the past few years I have been waiting for the cannon to fire. Trying to pick up the pieces of what were. The road has been hard. Many have come and gone but true friends are amazing. Its ashame they are no longer in the same state as me. Things wouldn't feel so gray as they do now if I had my girls with me. But I guess this is how life is. People come and go out of your life. We grow and have families and get serious and lose who we are to forge into something greater. The fire in my eyes has extinguished. I wish I knew how to ignite it. I think I get close some days. i need to learn to let things go. Let myself go how I did in years past. This is my one life and I feel like the past years I haven't been living it. Shattered from a death that sucked my soul out of me. I know she wouldn't want me to be like this. Sometimes I really miss her. This is one of those times. I let myself die with her. And everyone around me has suffered.

Maybe I have messed things up with everyone on the voyage of losing myself with the pain. How do I redeem things from here. I wish I could ask someone but there is no to ask. I sit alone a lot. By myself wanting to shattering the glasshouse I put myself in. I don't let anyone close enough to be hurt. Maybe a few people I would cal friends that I won't call friends anymore. I wish there was someone to listen to me scream and advise me to tell me it will be okay. I know it will but its a rocky road to redemption. Redemption of myself. I owe myself so much. I owe myself about three years of my life. I let so many walk all over me and I took it with stride until I burst one day.

I guess I will figure it out. I have always been the loner. Never really travel with friends. Maybe one or two. I meet people out and i leave without anyone knowing. That's how I have always been. Whether drunk or sober. I want my life back so how do I so I seal up the hole in my heart that she left there? Everything seems so out of reach. I suffer in silence. I never thought I would see this moment where I am lost and alone. I guess its time to wave hello to it and pick myself up from here....