So fed up the other day. More then a hormonal problem. I sat down and surveyed what my life has come to. I let the anxiety and pain kill me for threes years. I cried the pain out and cleaned up and got rid of some old things. Holding onto a memory while holding my breath has broken me. I am not talking about the memory of my mother but the memory of a panic attack and it has caused me anxiety and alienation everyday. Not from others but from myself. I have created my own pain out of being afraid of not feeling the panic anymore. But what I am starting to realize is that I may need to feel the panic to break down the wall of hesitation. I have missed out on a lot; including my brother's wedding, my mother's funeral, and the birth of a niece and nephew. Important things I have decided to miss out on because I was afraid of having a panic attack. I am learning that I need to accept the panic and ride it out instead of just running away from it. I know its not gonna kill me. I can't even go to the grocery store because I have made myself soo afraid and now I am just fucking fed up. So now what? Am I strong enough to finally overcome this and become the person I was? The person I enjoyed. The person that could go anywhere and do anything without even having the thoughts of anxiety. I am kinda growing slowly to accepting the panic. I am starting to ride my bike and not thinking about if I go too far I will have a panic attack. My bike was always my solace and safe place but I let the anxiety control me. Not anymore!
I am on my own time now and I want to take the anxiety and have a fist fight and shake hands after. I am tired of this. I don't remember the last time I sat in Rittenhouse park or went to Liberty Place or to any store at that. Things I really enjoyed I stopped out of fear. The biggest thing of all; I loved riding around and shooting at night. I now sit in my house doing nothing when I am not working or hanging out and its depressing. I have had ENOUGH of this.
